A Trial of Faith

What happens when faith takes you and your spouse to Siberia to work as missionaries and you fall in love with a dear, lonely orphan? On top of that, you have to deal with a foreign bureaucracy, which operates with no rhyme, reason, or even heart. This is the story of Jon and Mary Macarus. Jon's father is Lithuanian; while, his mother is of Polish/Lithuanian Jewish descent. Jon and Mary followed their faith in Christ and moved to Siberia to bring the word of the Lord to those bereft of it for many years.

In their letters to their friends, Jon and Mary share their thoughts of their situation and their faith in God.

March 6, 2000

Dear friends and family,

A very dear friend asked me to explain why it was or how I could come, or must come (future tense) to the same conclusion that God is good and just – despite the outcome of our current situation. I thought that was a good question to share and my response goes to all who have been with us in prayer, encouragement, and support.

The current situation still being: whether or not we will have the joy of bringing Sasha home as our son or watching him be sent to another orphanage for another four years with no possibility for adoption. Perhaps even worse, sent back home to his biological parents who have not seen him in over five years, have a known drinking problem, do not have the means to provide the medical and nutritional care for Sasha, and have six other children. It is also a question as to the loving care that his biological parents would provide. As they stated in their last communication to the officials was – they were not in a position to really care and provide for him themselves, but wanted him instead to live four more years in the orphanage and not to be given up for adoption. It is not a prison, but it does not come close to the love, care, and freedom that only a family can provide.

For the last five years, Sasha's world consisted of a bedroom, a playroom/eating room, a changing room, a small physical training room — all of these shared with about ten other children at all times, and the court yard to the orphanage, which is surrounded by a fence.

When we began to visit Sasha and take him for walks, all he wanted to do was go for long walks outside the fence and see what the rest of the world was really like. He has a fascination and a curiosity, as well as a fear, for the strange new things he encounters. (He was very frightened by our vacuum cleaner and still is terrified by dogs).

We had everything prepared for him at our home/apartment, and had been over time trying to explain the transition that would take place when he would come home with us for good and live there instead of in the orphanage. That is why when this whole process came to an unexpected halt and, perhaps an irreconcilable position from the biological mother, our hearts felt crushed and a sadness mixed with depression seemed to flood over us as if a river over ran its banks and the dam burst.

Over the past several weeks we have continued to meet and play with Sasha not knowing the outcome. At times we are "ok" as much as can be expected, and at other times the sadness and depression make it almost impossible to even get off the couch. It is very difficult also in knowing what to say to Sasha, as we still want to gather him in our arms and tell him that things will be ok, and that "when he comes to live with us, we will..."

Even just this past week, for the first time, when Mary was bringing him back to the orphanage after we took him to Raya's to have tea and celebrate her birthday, that he ran back to Mary and gave her a hug and said "I really love you." Before this time, he had responded at times to our verbal expression of our love for him by saying that he loved aunt Galia at the orphanage. His understanding seemed to be that he could only love one person at a time, and of course those child care workers were his whole life and family.

We took him down to the lake front to see snow and ice sculptures, eat cotton candy and carmel popcorn for the first time, play hockey with him (we bought him a mini hockey stick), and have taken him sledding with Mike and Laurel and their children Natasha and Katya. Our hearts and lives are already joined and the thought of losing him at times feels too much to bear...

So how is it then that I can or must come to the conclusion that God is both good and just in the midst of this and regardless of the outcome? It is not an attempt to ignore or repress the pain and sadness, or to come off as some super spiritual Christian. In reality, this has been and continues to be one of the most difficult and sad times of our lives as we wait not knowing the outcome. Like I said, sometimes we have felt we "couldn't punch our way out of a wet paper bag." Yet at the same time, through this process, God is teaching us many things about ourselves, our selfishness, our weaknesses and our strengths, and a lot about Himself.

We are being stretched beyond where we thought possible and the fear is that we will snap as a rubber band that has reached its elastic limit. Perhaps being stretched is what God is after, or even brittleness if it breaks us from our selfish independence of Him, and the turning from the false idols (all those things which we turn to for satisfaction and fulfillment, which are really temporary and not lasting. Those things we think we must have in order to be happy, significant or fulfilled – all those things that are a poor substitute for God).

In Jeremiah 2, God says "For My people have committed two evils: They have forsaken Me, The fountain of living waters, to hew for themselves cisterns, broken cisterns, that can hold no water." They left God and went after things that in the end could never truly satisfy their deep longings and thirst. In addition, our guarantee or promise that God gives us is not that he will give us what we want or remove our trials and struggles, but that He "causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8: 28)

Our trust, faith and hope is not in the outcome, nor is it in the strength of those things themselves – trust, faith, and hope – for they are nothing in and of themselves. Our hope, trust, and faith is truly dependent upon the object on which they rely. God is trustworthy. He fulfills His promises. He is both loving and just. And Christ Himself says "what man is there among you, when his son shall ask him for a loaf, will give him a stone?...How much more shall your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him." We are definitely and clearly asking and pleading with God that we will be able to adopt Sasha – not for our sakes alone, but for his and his future. Whether this be through moving in the mother's heart to allow Sasha to be adopted or making a very clear and concise decision by the courts to see that Sasha be in the place where is best for him. (I am not thinking how great and perfect parents we will be and how we deserve this in comparison etc...What we are saying is that we are willing to accept the full responsibility for the love and care of the child. To live with the heartaches and pains as he grows up and experience illnesses and difficulties, and the joy of seeing him develop into a mature person understanding God's love for him.)

Now having said that, it would be very easy to conclude and shout that God is good and just if we have Sasha as our son. If we don't get what we want or pray for can we conclude that God is not good and just? If our Father does not give us what we want, His character hasn't changed any nor His heart and desire for us. I know when I was a child, at times when my parents disciplined me (rare, for I was such a good child...) or did not give me what I wanted, there were times when I got angry and even shouted "I hate you". (My mom, even at times, would tell me that that was ok – it took all the fun and steam out of it somehow).

So the reality of it is, is that our heavenly Father knows what is truly best for us. He loves us and desires to give it to us. If we do not get what we want here, yes we will be heartbroken, saddened, and my guess is, also angry at God. There may even be a time when in my mind or verbally I shake my fist at him and for the moment say, "I hate you". But our Father's continual love and embrace comforts us as we work through our anger and sobbing. If we wrestle through it and choose to not hold on to selfish bitterness, we will experience more deeply our relationship with Him and know truly just how much he cares for us.

There is one other aspect about this situation that helps to bring my eyes upward. That is that in reality, others are experiencing similar suffering, and we could even say more severe suffering, and yet they are still pursuing God and coming to the same conclusion about their heavenly father. Many have lost children or spouses through accident or illness. Many through wars: both of merit and without. Many are wrestling through illnesses now that, save for an intervention by God, will most likely result in death in the near future. One such person is Alina. She is young, mid 20's, beautiful, is married, and has two children.

Alina, just in this past summer, began to attend some of our studies. Since then she has entered into a relationship with God and is as hungry and excited to learn as much as she can. She helps out even in one of the children's studies with music, and with our larger gathering of folks as well. She regularly attends several studies a week and was even a little disappointed that Mary and Laurel's advanced group, which she just started attending, only meets every other week. You can see in her a joy and love for God. She also is battling cancer and depending upon its extent, and the care and treatment here, only God knows how long she has.

I thank God for her and also pray for her healing as well. Whether He heals her or not, and whether we get to adopt Sasha or not, we now have the opportunity to know His love and to share that with others, and what a precious opportunity that is.

No, God isn't fair. In fact He gives to us far and beyond what we deserve. In a world separated and alienated from Him, bearing the full consequences and deserving judgement, He offers us individually a free gift of forgiveness, eternal life, and the opportunity to be his ambassadors and fellow workers in helping reconcile mankind back to Him. And our relationship with Him is not one based upon our performance, but is now one of adoption into His household which we can call out to Him, "Dad". We will know that He loves us in the fullness of that relationship. I may do things that my Father doesn't like, but that will never change the fact that I am his son. I have more than enough. I have more than I deserve. What other conclusion could I come to?

March 16, 2000

Hello everyone,

It's a boy! The court awarded us the right to legally adopt Sasha. We still have to wait 10 days for the actual certificate, and during that time someone could appeal but it is unlikely. On March 27th, 2000 we will pick up that certificate and bring Sasha home with us as our son.

We wish we could have taken him immediately and put closure to this part of the experience; so we still feel a little amiss, merely because we were ready to break out the cigars and champagne. Yes, it is in the realm of possibilities that the parents could appeal, but it is unlikely that that will happen. None the less, there is a just a slight back of the mind doubt or "what if", but we are going to do some celebrating here tonight. We hope that you join us in sharing our joy.

I cannot thank you all enough for your love, prayers, and support. It was clear that God had been at work. Firstly with the decision of the mother to change her mind about giving him up for adoption. Secondly, by some strange happening, both the mayor's office and the orphanage had not received any official notice about our second court hearing. We found that out when we wanted to make sure all was in order with each of them. So it turned out that it was us who informed them. Everyone was there who needed to be.

Also, we have to say that last night we slept well beyond our imaginations. We were not as nervous today either. We know for certain that that peace and comfort came from God through your prayers.

March 27, 2000

Alexander Jonathan Macarus (aka: Alexander, Alex, Sasha, Sashoola, & AJ) came home today, March 27th, 2000.

We are overwhelmed with joy and with the experiences of life ahead of us. We picked up the decision from the court at 10:30AM and then picked up Mike (fellow teammate and today's videographer) and headed out to the orphanage to bring Sasha home. It was a time for him to say goodbye to some of his care workers and the head doctor/director, and for us to thank them for their help and for taking care of Sasha all of these years. We exchanged some gifts and wished them well, and Sasha said goodbye to the life that he had known over the last five years.

We brought him home and fed him, and then went for a long walk and sledding (since it is still cold here with some snow left). He didn't want to take his afternoon nap, but to walk and play instead. In fact, he wanted to wash the dishes from lunch. (Just wait till he finds out that it isn't fun anymore when you get older).

This day will most likely be one of the hardest for him as he might become scared and want to go back to the kids at the orphanage. We hope and pray that he will be comforted by God and understand the transformation that took place today. It will be a time of transition for us as well.

Happy Easter
to all our Readers!

We wanted to thank you all for your encouragement, prayers, and support throughout this part of the journey. It meant a lot to us and made a difference. Now a new journey begins for us. As many of you are already aware of and experienced with children, you can now shake your head and laugh as we begin to learn what that really means.

With all our love and joy, it is time to rejoice and celebrate. Break out the champagne. Pass out the cigars. For today, our joy has been made full. Tomorrow has enough worries of its own. We'll get to them when we need to. Now it is time to celebrate and thank God for working through all of this, and for having been at work clearly over the years in preparing both Sasha and us, and interestingly enough, in providing helpful supportive friends and family for the rest of the journey.

Love & Joy,

Jon, Mary & Sasha